Signs of stress from my loved one

an acrylic painting of our backyard squirrel

Stress levels can really take toll of the love one taking care of the patient suffering from metastatic prostate cancer. I only bring up metastatic prostate cancer because that's what I have and experiencing. It can pertain to just about any other disease whether terminal or not. This is just a few specifics I've noticed in my wife

We've been married for 45 yrs so I can pretty much say we know each other inside and out. We've experienced life together, good times and bad, other illnesses and 5 childbirths. We have shared everything! After I was diagnosed with stage 3 metastatic prostate cancer back in 2017, she was with me for every doctor visit and procedure not only to understand my situation but as a second set of ears. I always miss a lot what might be said because trying to concentrate on what's being said can be impossible. I am still trying to digest the information first given me. So my wife is there to pick up on what I don't.

I first noticed her stress levels increasing at home. We have 4 grand-kids, daughter and her boy friend living with us and as the grand-kids seek more attention from my wife, she just breaks down and gets angry as she feels that she doesn't have time for this, their parents should be be the ones taking care of the kids. My wife's thoughts and focus is supposed to be me is the way she feels. The lack of sleep doesn't help matters either as a mediocre night sleep is all she can scrape up. We all know about that especially when the brain starts going a 100mph thinking about stuff. Unfortunately, she takes her frustrations on the grand-kids and later feels bad about it. She brought up 5 of our own children with little help so one might think why can't her own daughter take care of hers 4 the same way. It's not always that way. If I have good days, she has good days and spends some quality time with our grand-kids in the morning.

I had inherited my parents house not too long before I was diagnosed and decided to keep it for my art studio as long as I could pay for the property taxes. The utilities at this house are a fraction of the ones at home even tho the square footage of both are fairly close, so they've never been an issue. When I saw her stress levels go up, I coaxed her to spend time with me at the studio. I figured that not will it only help our grand-kid's parents take responsibility of their own children rather than rely on my wife, but it will also get her to a quiet environment where she can be in her own thoughts and do what she loves, gardening and yard work. Should I need needed attention with my issues, she'll be close by and attend to my needs. Her stress issues dropped dramatically and when we went home at nights she could deal with the grand-kids fairly easily.

As I'm in and out of hospitals due to some emergency and having to go through scan after scan, test after test, her stress begin to elevate again. It got worse after I could barely walk a few yards and ended up getting a wheel chair. It got to a point where I no longer could do anything on my own and had to rely on her for everything. What was also bad was, I was put on a Foley and now tethered to a pee bag 24 hrs a day for weeks.

My wife began driving me earlier this year because I couldn't. The meds I was taking were causing vertigo and blurred vision from time to time and never knew when it hit me. Shortness of breath could also come at any moment from just turning or adjusting myself in the seat...also caused by my meds. My wife is and always have been an excellent driver and never had a ticket and always felt safe as she drove. Today however I worry about how well she focuses on her driving, no she doesn't have a smart phone or text to distract her. Her thoughts are somewhere else rather than on driving.

She's been driving pretty erratic and tries to avoid any and all of the bumps on the road trying to ease the pain I feel as we drive over them by going over them very slow. People behind us often get pretty pissed off at her. I tell her it's not necessary to drive that slow but does it anyway. She'll zig zag all over the road to prevent from going over man hole covers because they are bumpy. She'll speed up when approaching a red light and almost stop at a green. She's often stopped at a green and I have to tell her she can go on a green and she goes "oh yeah" as if she had forgotten. I noticed that it's more prevalent on our drive home. The other day we were at the gas station getting gas on the way home. She stopped at the pump, shut the engine off and climbed out of the car. The car started to roll down towards the store. She forgot to put it in park and left it in drive. Yeah, a scary moment.

She gets frustrated a lot as she sees me going down hill with little improvement and often snaps at me in retaliation. To-day after chemo we went to the studio. It was hot and she turned on the a\c for the first time. After it was on for a while I had mentioned that I got a chill, so she snapped at me as if it was my fault. I often get sick after chemo and never know how it's going to affect me. Usually, I've been getting hot flashes followed by chills and severe leg pain. I asked her not to get pissed off at me as it's not my fault, it's part of the disease and treatment. It's not fair for her to take her frustrations on me.

This morning started off very rough and still is. The pain in my hip and legs were off the scale and even tho I changed my Fentanyl pain patch, made little difference. My taste buds are out and can't taste much of anything and whatever I eat I end up vomiting. My urine output has been high due to the water pill I need to take because of the swelling caused by steroid pills I have to take for chemo. My urinal had to be emptied several times this morning. I haven't been tethered to a pee bag for a couple of days now but it's still difficult doing anything while the body hurts so bad. Even turning around is difficult. The hot-flashes followed by chills is another story and hard to take.

This morning my wife tells me she's tired mentally and physically burned out. It wasn't due to my situation so she says, it's having to deal with the grand-kids and their constant needs. She also tells me that she's overwhelmed and frustrated because there are things that need to be attended to around the house which she's been unable to get at. I knew what I had to do..set aside my pain and ill feeling, force myself to get out of bed, get dressed and get going. It took me a little over an hour but managed to get a move on and out the house. Even walking with crutches to the vehicle from the house was painful and long. Getting in was even tougher but managed. The ride to the studio was about a 1/2hr and managed to get there without vomiting. Fortunately, the walk from my vehicle to the house was only a few steps which included some stairs. My wheelchair was just behind the door. So here I sit in an easy chair recliner for the duration of the day. The wife's mental attitude has drastically improved.

I understand how my cancer affects her because I had gone thru similar experiences with my sister. My sister died of spinal cancer and ended up being paralyzed for an entire year before she died. She lived 250 miles from me and went to see her a few times a week round trip each visit at her death bed. I spent most of my time driving and anticipating a nice but short visit only to see her getting worse. It was difficult to watch and frustrating as I had gone thru similar experience with my parents a few years prior. I wasn't new to this and should have been more understanding but unfortunately one begins to think about your own needs instead of the victim's. Often times unless you have gone thru the disease and experienced the issues involved, no matter how good your motives and thoughts might be, you will never truly understand what a person with the disease is experiencing.

I often think about those times and have regrets for my own selfishness so I try to explain things a bit better to my wonderful wife who has thus far endured so much of my pain. She really need a vacation from me but would refuse to leave my side.